If you are a lawyer, a judge, a clerk, a bailiff, I love you. Really, I do. And so do millions of fiction readers. They can’t get enough of you, in and out of the courtroom. In my book* you are exciting, intelligent, mysterious, courageous, resourceful, thoughtful, witty, well-spoken and you are heroic. Of course, there are times when you are vicious, deceitful, brilliantly cold and cruel and that is pretty nifty, too.
I am married to a judge (he’s pretty sedate) but he was once a lawyer and that is how my fascination with you all began. Yet, years of trial watching, staff chatting and transcript reading has created a bizarre obsessive/compulsive need to figure you all out. Since I haven’t been able to, I can at least explain why you are irresistibly inspiring to this novelist and fascinating to those who love to read about you.
1) You speak legalese. It is like French: mysterious, irresistible, intimidating. Throw in a little Latin – a quid pro quo or prima facia – and you can melt a woman’s resolve and strike fear into the hearts of mortal men.
2) You are confident. Is there a super- secret-double-indemnity-swear-on-your-mother’s-grave-and-never-tell class that teaches you how to argue any and every point of view with grace and conviction? **
3) Bad guys listen to you. They even pay you to tell them what to do. That makes you a little edgy by association and who doesn’t like a bad boy -or girl?
4) You’re altruistic, defending bad people because you believe everyone deserves a defense.
5) You’re altruistic, prosecuting bad guys because you believe in justice.***
6) You are eye-candy. From the couture clad divorce-attorney-to-the stars, to the public defender sporting a plaid jacket and pony tail and the plaintiff’s lawyer in that Italian suit you turn courthouse hallways into runway.
7) You are funny. Sometimes you mean to be funny. Either way, a funny attorney is charming.
8) You are excellent secret keepers, which is not to be confused with being trustworthy. Though I believe you are trustworthy, that is a point of debate.
9) You are curious and tenacious.
10) You are heroes and not just in the literary sense. In real life you (and your expertise) are often the only things standing between a person losing something important to them: their children, their fortune, their reputation, their freedom and, yes, their life.****
*Actually, in all my books since I write legal thrillers.
**This also means that your significant other, children or parent can never win an argument. Experience tells me, the only recourse a normal person has when arguing with a lawyer is to cry and proclaim: “You are right, you are always right.” Works for me.
***A characteristic that make you the perfect inspiration for novels and films.
****You have my permission to show this list to anyone who questions your lovability, capability or worth. You may also use the aforementioned in advertising, closing arguments, opening statements and speed dating.