If you haven’t read it yet, you should….

April 24, 2012 by in category Archives with 4 and 0
Home > Writing > Archives > If you haven’t read it yet, you should….

I’ve just finished re-reading Deborah Tannen’s early work (1990), You Just Don’t Understand.  She’s a linguistic professor who has published some bestselling titles (That’s Not What I Meant, Talking 9-5).  I’d read it ages ago, when it first came out & found it both interesting and helpful.  Rereading it offered new insights.


If you’re a romance reader or writer, I expect you’ve heard the comment, “The whole story was just based on a misunderstanding! A five minute conversation would have cleared everything up on page two…!” 


Well, spending five minutes with YJDU will clarify that communication between the sexes is rife with misunderstanding.   That males and females—from the very beginning—bring quite different assumptions to conversations (both speaking and listening) and those assumptions can create significant misinterpretation, misunderstanding, frustration, anger, unhappiness, alienation and disappointment.  A better understanding of the underlying assumptions on both sides can really help realign expectations and diminish misinterpretation.  Additionally, the stories and research offer reassurance that you are not alone in your confusion, hurt, and frustration.


Before I became a romance editor and made my living on the differences between the sexes, I remember having a conversation with the father of a woman who had finally announced her engagement to her long-time partner.  The couple hadn’t gotten married because their respective families didn’t approve of the relationships due to their being from different races or religions (can’t recall the issue). 


The parent was earnestly explaining to me that he wasn’t racist (or whatever) but that building a successful marriage was so hard, and if the two parties came from totally different cultures, different upbringings, different experiences, that it would be that much harder to find the common ground needed to create a strong partnership.


As I listened, I sympathized—all his concerns were valid.  And then I looked him in the eye and said, you know, I have never heard such a compelling treatise on the benefits of homosexual marriage.  I mean with heterosexual relationships, you are asking people of the opposite sex to figure out a way to live together.  Not easy!  There’s a reason it’s called the opposite sex….


Yes, when you think about building a strong partnership between two people who are different sexes, have totally different bodies, bring different assumptions, expectations and world view, have different conversational styles (in some ways a different language), and were raised differently, it’s clear heterosexual marriage is not easy.  That challenge has fueled countless stories, poems, songs and is often one of the central challenges of our lives.


It’s not easy to understand the opposite sex, but YJDU does give some helpful insights.  Tannen opens with a perspective that had a lot of resonance for me: that all conversation has two diametrically opposed goals.


One is to connect, to reach out, to feel a bond with another, to feel part of the greater whole of humankind.


The other is the desire to maintain your sense of self, your autonomy, your uniqueness, your individuality and separateness.


Tannen indicates (my interpretation) that these simultaneous and opposite goals are present in every conversational interaction for both men and women.  But she notes that men often have a slight default to autonomy in that 180 degree spread.  And that women often have a slight default to connection.  And that slight difference can and often does create a significant communication gap between the sexes.


If you think about it, much of “politeness” (which can vary significantly in different cultures) has been created to enable people to communicate and connect in a non-threatening way.  To enable others to feel ‘safe’ in connecting, reassured that they are not being asked to lose their autonomy or sense of self.


Romances are all about the puzzle of how to be both an individual and be part of a team.  And many address the challenge of having the woman need to nurture her sense of self, validate her right to her own individuality and needs in order to balance her natural tendency to compromise for others.  And additionally presenting the flip side: of having the man appreciate that there are appropriate and necessary compromises that he must make to be part of a team, and to learn to appreciate the unique gifts that that connection will bring.


So if you haven’t read it yet, check it out.  And vive la différence!


Isabel Swift

Author Details
Author Details
A Slice of Orange started in 2004 as a group of authors from Orange County, California. We have expanded to include authors from around the globe–from the UK, all across the US to New Zealand. Our authors include the multi-published and writers at the beginning of their publishing career. In addition to authors, we feature blog posts from editors, PR professionals, and cover designers. The bright segments of the writing and reading community that make up one perfect entity—A Slice of Orange.
On Sale

Books on sale or free

STOLEN KISSES FROM THE VISCOUNT

Buy now!
STOLEN KISSES FROM THE VISCOUNT

THE GHOST OF DEPFORD HALL

Buy now!
THE GHOST OF DEPFORD HALL

THE ROGUE’S LAST SCANDAL

Buy now!
THE ROGUE’S LAST SCANDAL
WHO’S THE FAIREST? A Sisters Grimm Anthology
BECKONED, PART 1: FROM LONDON WITH LOVE

LEIF Viking Glory Book One

Buy now!
LEIF Viking Glory Book One

FREYA Viking Glory Book Two

Buy now!
FREYA Viking Glory Book Two
THIEVES: Book One of the Obscurité de Floride Trilogy

CITY OF BLAZE

Buy now!
CITY OF BLAZE

A LADY’S POINT OF VIEW

Buy now!
A LADY’S POINT OF VIEW

THE WOULD BE MOMMY

Buy now!
THE WOULD BE MOMMY

THE FAMILY NEXT DOOR

Buy now!
THE FAMILY NEXT DOOR

DANGER MUSIC

Buy now!
DANGER MUSIC

SAVAGED SURRENDER

Buy now!
SAVAGED SURRENDER

A SOLDIER’S ITALIAN CHRISTMAS

Buy now!
A SOLDIER’S ITALIAN CHRISTMAS

COME FLY WITH ME

Buy now!
COME FLY WITH ME

SUPERHERO IN DISGUISE

Buy now!
SUPERHERO IN DISGUISE

WELCOME TO LOON LAKE

Buy now!
WELCOME TO LOON LAKE
FATHOMS: A NOVEL OF THE PARANORMAL

THE LIFE OF RILEY

Buy now!
THE LIFE OF RILEY

COWBOY KARMA

Buy now!
COWBOY KARMA

ILONA’S WOLF

Buy now!
ILONA’S WOLF

LET IT SNOW

Buy now!
LET IT SNOW
FUR, FEATHERS AND SCALES: Sweet, Funny, and Strange Animal Tales

GIRL IN THE MIST

Buy now!
GIRL IN THE MIST

HAGAR’S LAST DANCE

Buy now!
HAGAR’S LAST DANCE
SNOW IN LOVE: Sweet Romance Holiday Collection

#Me Too

Buy now!
#Me Too

HOSTILE WITNESS

Buy now!
HOSTILE WITNESS
THE DAY BAILEY DEVLIN’S HOROSCOPE CAME TRUE
INTIMATE RELATIONS

GIRLFRIENDS & SECRETS

Buy now!
GIRLFRIENDS & SECRETS

THE FIX UP

Buy now!
THE FIX UP

LOVE NOTES

Buy now!
LOVE NOTES
2019

HAUNTING MISS FENWICK

Buy now!
HAUNTING MISS FENWICK
WINTER WISHES: A REGENCY HOLIDAY ROMANCE ANTHOLOGY

THE DEVIL’S CARESS

Buy now!
THE DEVIL’S CARESS
OFF THE RAILS: A Collection of Weird, Wicked, & Wacky Stories
CHRISTMAS ON NANTUCKET AND OTHER STORIES

LEIF Viking Glory Book One

Buy now!
LEIF Viking Glory Book One

FREYA Viking Glory Book Two

Buy now!
FREYA Viking Glory Book Two

HIS HIGHLAND SURPRISE

Buy now!
HIS HIGHLAND SURPRISE

THEIR HIGHLAND BEGINNING

Buy now!
THEIR HIGHLAND BEGINNING

ONCE UPON AN ENCHANTED FOREST

Buy now!
ONCE UPON AN ENCHANTED FOREST

THE WORTH OF A VISCOUNT

Buy now!
THE WORTH OF A VISCOUNT

REWRITING THE PAST

Buy now!
REWRITING THE PAST

TRACKING SHADOWS

Buy now!
TRACKING SHADOWS

ONE TASTE TOO MANY

Buy now!
ONE TASTE TOO MANY

TWO BITES TOO MANY

Buy now!
TWO BITES TOO MANY
SHORT and SWEET’S FAMILY ALBUM

HIDDEN BETRAYAL

Buy now!
HIDDEN BETRAYAL

CLEAR INTENT

Buy now!
CLEAR INTENT

THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Buy now!
THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT

GAME TOWN

Buy now!
GAME TOWN

DARK WINE AT DUSK

Buy now!
DARK WINE AT DUSK

HER LOST LOVE

Buy now!
HER LOST LOVE

THE CONSPIRACY

Buy now!
THE CONSPIRACY

THE DECEPTION

Buy now!
THE DECEPTION

SHADOWS AT DAWN

Buy now!
SHADOWS AT DAWN

THE OBLIVIOUS BILLIONAIRE

Buy now!
THE OBLIVIOUS BILLIONAIRE
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIDGE, NEW YORK, 1930

THE MASK OF MIDNIGHT

Buy now!
THE MASK OF MIDNIGHT

FOR A GOOD PAWS

Buy now!
FOR A GOOD PAWS
COLTON 911: CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE

DEAD BLOW

Buy now!
DEAD BLOW

HER COWBOY KING

Buy now!
HER COWBOY KING
SERIOUSLY, MOM, YOU DIDN’T KNOW?
THE WITCHES OF NEW MOON BEACH BOXED SET

THE WITCH OF BERGEN

Buy now!
THE WITCH OF BERGEN
LOST WITNESS: A Josie Bates Thriller
#PLEASE SAY YES (#HermosafortheHolidays Book 1)

    ×
    A Slice of Orange started in 2004 as a group of authors from Orange County, California. We have expanded to include authors from around the globe–from the UK, all across the US to New Zealand. Our authors include the multi-published and writers at the beginning of their publishing career. In addition to authors, we feature blog posts from editors, PR professionals, and cover designers. The bright segments of the writing and reading community that make up one perfect entity—A Slice of Orange.
  • Anonymous says:

    Tannen's book sounds like a winner. You bring up a very interesting point, about how people often say "A five minute conversation would have cleared everything up!" Really? When does that ever happen in real life? Uou think it is so simple, then the conversation unravels…

    One pet peeve of mine is when in TV shows and movies, years of angst will be resolved with one heartfelt conversation. As you – and Tannen – point out, it is seldom so simple.

    Ah, but really understanding the "language barrier" and turning the struggle to understand into a compelling story is the very essence of what we strive to do.

    Thanks for the heads up!

  • Anonymous says:

    I'll be picking up the book! Thanks for sharing. I guess that communication gap is part of what ignites some of the flames between the sexes….that's not all bad!

  • Anonymous says:

    Thought-provoking post! So true about that "commmunication gap" between men and women–what would we romance writers do without it?

  • Anonymous says:

    Excellent post. I read Tannen's book years ago, but it sounds like a good idea to revisit the book. And I would have _loved_ to see the look on that father's face when you started talking about the benefits of same sex marriage. One can only imagine, lol.

  • Copyright ©2017 A Slice of Orange. All Rights Reserved. ~PROUDLY POWERED BY WORDPRESS ~ CREATED BY ISHYOBOY.COM

    >