Missing Muse Report

April 23, 2009 by in category Archives tagged as with 6 and 0
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Do you guys ever have one of those days where your muse isn’t cooperating? This blog is a parody I wrote about that frustrating feeling a while back for another blog. It’s from a police detective’s POV.

Missing Muse Report
12, May 2008
Description: Slippery and Sneaky
Status: No Freaking Idea

Monday morning, at eight oh four a.m., a woman came into the precinct. She wore jeans and a t-shirt with the words, “I Kill for Chocolate,” written across her chest. In a clearly agitated state, she reported that her Muse is missing.

“When was the last time you saw her?” I inquired.

“Never. I’ve never seen that hussy. She’s like…smoke. Well not smoke because that would suggest fire. And trust me, I have not been on fire. So she’s like fog, except not fog. Fog is not the right word to describe her. Dry ice? Still not the right word to describe her. Okay, uh, let me think. Do you have a thesaurus?”

Feeling a headache coming on, I said, “Let’s skip the description. What is your relationship to Muse?”

“Hot and cold. No, too bland. Fire and ice? Friend and foe? No! No more clichés! My relationship to Muse is complicated. Like a cat! Yes, she’s sort of like a cat, friendly and sweet sometimes, then aloof and bitchy other times. Like a cat.

I realized I was bobbing my head back and forth like I was watching a tennis match. I tried to recap what the woman had said, “Muse is a cat? Ma’am, this is a police station. We don’t look for missing cats.”

“My Muse is not a cat! Where would you get such an idea? I said she’s like a cat. That’s a metaphor. Well I said like, so it’s actually a simile. But not a cat.”

I turned to look at the woman fidgeting on the chair facing my desk. “Have you been drinking?”

“Sure. Absolutely. I’ve tried it all. Wine, gin tonics, coffee and Kaluha, I still can’t find Muse! This morning, I woke up at 3. AM!!! I meditated. I did Yoga. I lit candles. I asked my Higher Self for guidance. I downed two pots of coffee! And I still can’t find that sneaky, double-crossing, word-tease, idea-slut, anywhere!”

I had had enough. “Let me get this straight. You are reporting Muse missing, but you can’t describe her, have never seen her and you look for her by doing Yoga, lighting candles and drinking coffee?”

“Yes! Exactly!”

“Ma’am you do realize this is a police station? That it’s a crime to make a false report?”

Her blue eyes lit up, she sat forward and put her arm on my desk. “Do you get a lot of false reports? I mean what kind of person makes a false report?”

He opened his mouth, “Well—”

“A desperate person, maybe a woman who can’t tell the truth, but…” she stood up. “Thank you!”

“Uh, for what?”

She frowned, her blue eyes studying him as if he were a little dim. “Haven’t you been listening? I lost my Muse. Now I found her. You people do good work. Later.”

I watched her bounce out as if she were twenty pounds lighter. “What just happened?”


Jennifer Lyon always wanted to be a witch. When her witch-powers didn’t materialize, she turned to creating magic in her books. BLOOD MAGIC is the first book in an enchanting, passionate and supernatural series. Visit Jennifer Lyon at www.jenniferlyonbooks.com

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A Slice of Orange started in 2004 as a group of authors from Orange County, California. We have expanded to include authors from around the globe–from the UK, all across the US to New Zealand. Our authors include the multi-published and writers at the beginning of their publishing career. In addition to authors, we feature blog posts from editors, PR professionals, and cover designers. The bright segments of the writing and reading community that make up one perfect entity—A Slice of Orange.

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    A Slice of Orange started in 2004 as a group of authors from Orange County, California. We have expanded to include authors from around the globe–from the UK, all across the US to New Zealand. Our authors include the multi-published and writers at the beginning of their publishing career. In addition to authors, we feature blog posts from editors, PR professionals, and cover designers. The bright segments of the writing and reading community that make up one perfect entity—A Slice of Orange.
  • Anonymous says:

    Obviously, you just hadn’t had enough coffee yet. Coffee fixes almost everything 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    Michele, LOL! Not Green Tea Latte?

  • Anonymous says:

    Okay, what was I thinking? There is no such thing as too much coffee.

  • Anonymous says:

    Two words, Jen: Green tea. 😉

    What a fun post!! Glad she found her Muse. LOL

  • Anonymous says:

    Marianne, what’s this? There’s such a thing as too much coffee???

  • Anonymous says:

    Jen,
    This was great!
    Maybe too much coffe, but great!
    Marianne

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